My Life, My Blog

Yesterday night, I had a very long talk with my cousin. She was talking things through me. I seriously needed someone to talk to. I am feeling terrible. I needed a spot to pour everything into. I needed place.

My cousin read my blog and came talking to me. I thought that she is busy dating and falling in love. Well, she have her own problems too, I thought it would be nice if I don't disturb her. Neither did I expect, she called last night.

Joseph called to. However, I was not in the mood to tell the story again. I wasn't in the mood to let things out yet. All I could find is my cousin. Yes, my cousin and I are very close. She always advise me on what to do and best of all, she understand me perfectly and know what choice I will make.

When I think of all my sorrow
When I had you there but the I let you go

Mariah Carey;
Can't Live If Living Is Without You

It is just like what is happening. All I had was sorrow. When someone is there, I took for granted and let things go far and out of hand. And I let you go but now that you are gone, all I had was sorrow.

Would you say that you’ll always be there,
to kiss my pain away?

Redwan Ali;
Would You be There

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can’t explain what happened
And I can’t erase the things that I’ve done
No I can’t

Simple Plan;
Untitled

What I have done, I cannot erase it. If I want to do something about it, I have to either pay the price or let it go. I have been through a lot of consideration and yes, I have came up with my choice. I choose to pay. I cause the pain, I was blind to do so and now, I can't escape either.

Love takes time
To heal when you're hurting so much
Couldnt see that
I was blind
To let you go
I cant escape the pain
Inside
Love takes time
I dont wanna be here alone

Mariah Carey;
Love Takes Time

Now that I told her my choice, she did warn me too. It is very dangerous and the price is very high. Neither of us know how long I need to pay the price, how heavy the price is, but I am willing to try and pay it. It may take one week, one month, one year, 10 years or even a lifetime.

I do not know how long I can hold on. I really do not know. I do not know what the future holds now, but I know what I wanted now. I am not sure how much I need to do to get things into place. However, I know with that basic foundation, I have faith in making things go back to path.

My cousin said that she find me very courages when I say I am willing to pay for the consequence I made. I did not know what made me feel so too. I do not know if I am stupid or I am brave. All I know is to follow what my heart tells me to do now.

"Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit."

Peter Ustinov;

I did my part. I already said what I wanted to say. All I hope for is a turn back of time so I will not do something that I will regret. Now that I did something regretful, I felt so bu gan xin. I don't believe that it is so hard to turn back. Why can't each give a chance and try out?

I have two choices. One is to do the dangerous choice and it will reach to another 50-50 thing. Yes, at least I tried and I do not regret trying. The other choice is to give up and yes, walk away and hibernate. However, I bu gan xin! I know that there is still maybe 0.00000001% of hope and I totally give up. Why not try for the 0.00000001% of hope?

"Whoso loves, believes the impossible."

Elizabeth Barret Browning;

Well, the 0.00000001% of hope might turn out positive but I may have to pay more than 10^infinity %. I will try! I believe the impossible because I believe there is love. I want to try, but it takes two hand to clap too. It will depend on whether there is the willingness to take up and work hard together. If it is one sided, I think surely will fall.

"People so seldom say I love you
And then it's either too late or love goes.
So when I tell you I love you,
It doesn't mean I know you'll never go,
Only that I wish you didn't have to."

Unknown;

I know choices made are made. I know it was deeply hurt. I know that determination is the character involve. I know that it takes alot of determination to stick with this choice. I know that will happen one day but i don't wish it had happen.

I am really scared I cannot hold on. I am really scared. I am really scared I cannot help walk out of the shadows. I am really scared I cannot do a good job. I am really scared I will break down. I am really scared.

I wish I could save these moments
And put em in a jar
I wish I could stop the world from turning
Keep things just the way they are
I wish I could shelter you from everything
Not pure and sweet and good
I know I cant, I know I cant
But I wish I could

Collin Raye;
I Wish I Could

I wish that things will turn out well. i wish that there is hope and it will all become true. I know I can't do anymore because I did something wrong. I wish the time could turn back. I wish I can make the table turn around. I wish that the world turns back in time. I wish they get back to the way they are. I wish I wish.. But can I?

If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
Where clouds roll by
For you and I

Diana Ross;
If We Hold On Together

Is that how usually things go about? Holding on together and dreams will never die? If we have dreams, it will bring us through forever? So does dreaming help? Will it help me in this way too?So if I try to hold on to my dreams, it will see me through everything?

If only I had not said that, all this will not happen. If only I had survive through another couple of days, it will be happily ever after. If only I had dump my electronic device away, I won't be regreting now. if only I had talk to someone, I won't be here sobbing away. If only I was being contented and understanding, all this will never happen. If only...

"If only...
Those must be the two saddest words in the world."

Mercedes Lackey;

All I can do is wait. The time is so long. I hate the slow ticking time. In a couple of hours. Ok, it is A LOT of hours. Waiting is forever so long..

You were his star for many nights.
But now the roles have changed.
I'm the leading lady in his life.
Lights, camera, now you're on.
Just remember you've been warned.
Enjoy it now, 'cause this will last.
I'm the future, you're his past.

Whitney Houston;
Same Script Different Cast

Am I still the star for your night? Am I still the leading role? Or it has change already? I really wonder, will I be the future or the past. I am really unsure. I am really unsure which I am. Am I the future or am I the past? Will I be future or will I be the past? Can I still be the leading lady in your life?

Would you stand by me, let me hold you tight,
And say you love me one more time.

Redwan Ali;
Would you be There