Ok, I kinda cannot take it and shall rattle on my blog.
Isn't it funny? I expected the outcome, I knew the outcome. And in the end, I still hope for the opposite. I still hope for something else. In the end, it came out as expected. How dumb I am. I wish I am cleverer.
Everything was pre-warned. I can remember every pre-warned terms and conditions. I can even memorise it. However, so what I can remember by heart? My heart remembers the word but not accepting it or carving it. Though I remember, the side of 'waiting', 'hoping', 'waiting' are still there. Regardless how hard I try, how much I have been through, it is still the same, I still 'expect' the same thing. Everything of me is still in square one.
I thought everything was gone and learnt. In the end, it is so not true. It is actually accumulated. Everything was accumulative. I guess this is the cause of everything. Slowly, everything that is reflected. As I flip through the pages and happenings in my life, one by one that happened, I realise that it is accumulated until today. This is the outcome of everything. For some reason, I always hold the doubt, the same very doubt that cause me to have.
After so much that happened, I thought that I have learn from the past and not let it repeat. I have learnt to stop expecting, hoping for more and thinking of the opposite of the fact. In the end, I always get myself disappointed. Why? Simply because I know that it is for ever A and yet, I hope, expect and think of B. And all these thoughts get me so wrong. After so long, I am still hoping for miracle, I am still expecting for something, I am still needing all it and all in all, I am still waiting.
However, this kind of 'wait' is a killer. Yes, a killer. It had stabbed me again and again, again and again. So many times that I already lost count. Each time it stab, the wounds get deeper, the scars get more and more visible. No matter how much stabbing had happen, I am still not immune to it. I still felt the pain as always.
Again and again, I will reflect. I will think if this is the right thing. I will think if I had gone the right way. I remember my cousin used to tell me that there is no right or wrong choice. The right choice is determined by myself. And yes, I am wondering now. "What if" is always the question.
What if everything were to go back to where it started. What will happen? What if I am given a choice again, what will I choose? What if you are given a choice again, what will you choose? What if you can turn back in time, what will you do? What if you can choose, what is that you want to change? What if we were to turn back, will everything still be the same?
"What if" is always the start of problem. "What if" is always the start of thinking and expectation. "What if" is always the start of heartache and headache.
Sometimes I am questioned, "why don't you want to say it out?". Did they wonder, what am I tolerating everything? Do they think that tolerating is fun? Do they think that I feel very good having to tolerating? Did they ever wonder why I am tolerating and not saying anything? The main thing I needed is simple and they know it. However, all that one can say is "sorry" because one is forever BUSY and do not have time. Sometimes, even before opening my mouth, the holy word, "BUSY" is already out. So, do I even have to mention anything? Everything is simple.
Problem: I need more time from you.
Answer: Sorry, I'm very busy.
Outcome: Nothing.
Regardless how little time, I need not worry. That is what I was told. Well, simply because I was told that you will be there. However, it is not seen so. Many times, I tried to look for but sadly, it is no use. It is totally no use at all. In the end, it is still alone. So much for reassurring.
Since this has always been the case, I guess the only thing that can happen is adapt. Why? It is because since the outcome is nothing then ok, I shall adapt to the change. So the only thing that I can do is learn. learn and learn. Change, change, change and change. Maybe that is the only thing that I can do, and that is change. Maybe after changes, things will turn out better.
Hibernation needed!
Ok, done. For those who hate me must be laughing and smiling so broadly. However, I don't really care. I don't really give a damn about how you feel because, comments are NOT allowed.
Thanks!