My Life, My Blog

Ok, somethings just can't get off my mind and seriously, I need a place to pour before absorbing my stupid damn dtle.

I really do not know what and how. I really have no idea what to do. Some things just continue running in my mind, some words just continue flashing across. And it really spoils my mood when it run or flash across my mind.

Can I just erase it or cut that part of the film away? It is a fact and truth. It is soo super duper uper true. So is there a point in erasing it away or cutting it off? If I were to do that, isn't it equavalent to lying to myself? I really have no idea what to do.

Everything that is said and done had happened. And seriously, I just can't forget it. It is forever in my mind running and running. Ok, at least not forever but for now, it just kept running and running, flashing and flashing.

I know that I am not very happy. Ok, not feeling very well within. I want to scream shout scratch. And yet, I can't and have to smile and joke around in class as usual. This is to save more questioning. However, when I am alone, all things start tumbling down.

Who will understand and who will know? Even if I tell them, they will just keep asking "are you ok?" I don't need such pity. I don't need people to start consoling me and tell me all those things. If I am ok, I won't be pouring things out here.

Sometimes, I just don't understand. Why is it that it is so hard for me to talk about it? So what I were to mention and say it out? It will still be the same isn't it? What will happen and what will change? Nothing at all. All the things will remain. So I rather keep quiet.

I just find it damn hard to tell myself to act as if nothing happened because, I am really not feeling fine within. Well, at least I know that when in school, I can laugh and joke so much that it made me forget whatever that happened.

Now, it just seem like regardless what I do, it will never change. It will just drop and drop. I don't know why. Everything I do seems to not prevent reaction but act as catalyze to speed up reaction. I just don't want to do anything seriously. Can I just avoid?

I don't want to do anything or think anything. The feeling just sucks so much. It really just sucks. I don't want to be a figure behind the mask. I don't need to be but I guess, I only can choose to be one. Back to where it first came. Figure behind the mask.

I wonder when one realise I am long gone? So I guess, by the time one realise this, I am already long gone. All that is left is a figure hiding behind the mask. How would I look and how do I look? I guess no one knows anymore.

Hidden behind the painted face.