My Life, My Blog

Long and lengthy post..

[08 January 2008, Tuesday]
Yesterday, it was a long day! I got back my CAEM3 paper and yes, it was fantastic! The result was extreme good! I did not expect myself to get such result either. Guess how much I got? Seriously, you cannot guess it. This is the first time I got such fantastic result for MATHEMATICS!!

I got 30 out of 100 for my CAEM3. Seriously, it is very good! Very very good! It is extremely good! I expected myself to get a single digit. However, I got 30 out of 100! I thought it was very low already. However, there are people who got lower than me. I am not being bad; however, I really thought that I got the lowest.

Ok, I know I failed. However, I am not that sad. I thought for the worst. I only studied the thick book the night before. And seriously, I doze off here and there on the chair while studying. I am so tired. However, when I entered the exam hall, I still remembered part of here and there. When I get the question paper, my mind turns blank.

The part where I scored marks, it is the part where I did not study and yet, I listened to lesson on last Wednesday tutorial. Indeed, listening is good! For at least, listening to the tutorial made me got 30 out of 100. I am actually very happy already!

That pervert Zhang Peng, he is seriously perverted. He got 99 out of 100 for the common test! Wa! So perverted!! Do you know how much is that? 99!! The few of us only got 30+ 50+ 60+. And that Zhang Peng got 99! Wa piang eh!!!

Ok, after CAEM3, it was PDPr lesson. I already completed my soldering. I am the first in the class to complete the WHOLE project. The big board and the small board! Both are completed. Which means, for the rest of the PDPr lesson, all I have to do is to go and sign attendance and then, I can go home! That is so nice. That means my Monday ends at 1pm.

Then, it was break time. I went to BME centre with Jermaine and Cheng Qian while Jermaine download his software. Then, I had BSPA practical. Yawn! Seriously, it is typing lesson. All I had to do was to read from the screen and type what I read. Usually, I will just trouble shoot until I cannot do it, I will then ask Madam Kanna do help me.

BSPA lab test is coming by soon. I am doing case study for BSPA now. Two weeks to do everything. Well, I am in a group with 3 other guys. Well, there are not many GIRLS in my class either. I think the project will end up being done by 3 people instead of 4 people. That is what I thought. And we will see at the end of everything.

Then, we ended BSPA lab 1 hour before time. So we went to FCS lab to rot. After 1 hour of looking at Nicholas Tang and Jermaine and Cheng Qian playing Tower Defense, it was FCS lab. Well, I ended FCS lab early too. I went over to BME centre to meet Wan Sin to get something from her.

After which, I went down Toa Payoh and walk the Pasar Malam and then, I went home. When I reach home, I drop dead immediately. I did not study for my Japanese quiz either.

[09 January 2008, Wednesday]
It is Wednesday. I went to school early in the morning for Jap lesson. I learnt many new things. Time went ticking. Well, had a lot of fun in class. Nothing much to add.

Then, we did not go and attend CAEM3 tutorial. We were lazy and I started reading a book. The book is ultimately interesting! I love the book. It is really interesting and nice!! I love the book! I feel like owning one of those books but do I have the space?

Ok, after reading the book, I left the library and then, I went to eat and went back home. Long day in school! Tomorrow, it is from 8am to 5pm again. Yawn!

[10 January 2008, Thursday]
It is Thursday. Early in the morning, I had ESA lab. We were going through some lab things. ESA lab test is approaching soon. I have to start studying already. Then, it was ESA lecture. I tried so hard to attend ESA lecture. I am totally blank!

Then, it was break time. We went to BME centre to eat. Soon, this had become our routine. Every Thursday, lunching at BME centre. After which, we went to the convention centre and attended a talk by the Universities. We only attended the NTU talk because we did not want to skip ESA lecture.

After which, I had 1 hour break and then, I had FCS tutorial. It is the first time I am doing tutorial. Usually I will just copy tutorial. I am so proud of myself! After which, I went to Toa Payoh central. I went to get dinner for my family and spent long time waiting for bus. And finally, I am here typing.

I was reading through my friend's blog about love and I found the feel to blog. Yes, that is the word. I thought blogging it will not make such difference. It is the love life of Anne. Yes, it is that. Well, if you find it bored or not interested, you can just close this window by clicking this ---> exit!

Well, let me start. I shall start talking about my love life since young.

The first guy I had feelings for was when I am in Primary 4 well, I do not know if that was crush or love but yes, I had feelings for him when I was in Primary 4. I shall call him Guy A. He was a classmate of mine and I did not notice him from the start. We seat one end each of the classroom. (how big can a classroom be?) Until once, during Racial Harmony Day, he forgotten to bring the key to the padlock on his bag (you know, in primary school, they use to say that if you do not lock your bag, things will get stolen, so the guys start locking their bag with padlock.) , that is when I start noticing him.

His younger sister (who is so cute!) came to class with his mother just to pass him the key. Yes, his little sister made me notice him. So should he thank his sister? LOL! And subsequently, we got into different class. In Primary 5 and Primary 6, we are of different classes and we did not contact each other. I admit I was pretty obsessed over him. Every time I hear dribbling basketball, I will run to the window and lookout for him. I know I sound like an idiot.

And when I was in Primary 6, I got hold of his contact. And then, we started contacting each other. And at that point of time, I made a rather close friend, Girl A. And when Girl A and I got closer, I got to know that Girl A actually like Guy A too. And at that point of time, I decided to give up the fact between Guy A and me because we have totally different interest and all. So I decided to back out.

After twist and turn, Girl A decided to back out and yes, leaving Guy A and me again. I thought the feeling of being friends and liking him secretly was very great. I did not expect to the part of him asking me to be his girlfriend or what. And after PSLE he asked me to be his girlfriend. I was trilled. However, due to some reason which I do not remember why, I rejected his offer. (awhh)

At this time, I entered Secondary 1. Life in secondary 1 was still alright. And of course, at this time, Guy B and Guy C are wooing me. I am not being thick skin and please do not scold me for that!! (LOL) Guy B and Guy C were both good friends. Everything was rather easy in Secondary 1. Things got so much worst when I got into secondary 2.

After many many problems and stress factor, I got into relationship with Guy B. I admit that I did not have much feelings with Guy B. I admit I got into relationship with Guy B because I was being pushed too hard and too much stress to take, so I decided to run by going into a relationship with Guy B. I know that was wrong, very wrong. However, I had no choice but to do that.

In Secondary 3, the news about Guy B and I broke up. We broke up for some reason. And that reason was that we do not look or feel like a couple and he do not have time for me either. After some discussion and all, we decide to separate for some time. And about one month or so later, we patch up again. This time, he asked for our relationship to keep it low profile. I do not have much disagreement. I thought it will be ok. As time goes by, my feeling for him got deeper. However, that is when everything changes. When my feelings got deeper, his feelings start to lose.

I did not know anything and I was kept in mum. Our relationship drag all the way to Secondary 4. Nobody knows about my relationship with him. Everyone thought that I was single and available. Whenever I quarrel with him, I had no choice but to tolerate it inside myself. Whenever we meet, we find places where we will not see our school people.

Many times, when we meet at a time, he will be late, longest waiting time for me was 4 hours. Serious!! I am deadly serious!! On a super rainy day, I waited for 4 hours for him in the shelter. (firstly, I am scared of thunder, secondly, I got wet in the shelter) When he reach, the reason he gave me was very stupid. He said that his friend did not allow him to go so he had to stay and yes, 4 hours!

As time starts ticking, soon, we broke off. I asked for break up. The reason was that his heart was with someone else already. I was with him and I got to know that he was wooing another girl and the best thing was, that other girl had boyfriend and the boyfriend was Guy B good pals. Seriously, I broke down.

When we broke off, I broke down in front of my good friend. And that was when every single secret was told out. My good friend told me that she almost got into a relationship with Guy B. when I was with Guy B; he was wooing my good friend too. I got to read the letter he wrote to her before and she read mine. Seriously, he was two timing. My good friend and I stay opposite each other.

I got to know that every time, when I was waiting for him at some shelter, he was waiting for another girl to send her home and then, come and meet me. He was going underground relationship with other girls at the point I was with him. I feel so hurt! I confronted him over the phone. He admits that besides being with me for the 2 years, he was with MANY other girls too. In that short 2 years, he was with more than 5 girls. And worst, most of us were from the same class

Ok, I was so being cheated! I hated guys! I hated going underground relationship. That relationship was a wrong! I hated that relationship. It was totally a wrong together. I was being cheated like nobody business. In school, I hated him so much. My first relationship, my first kiss, my first time holding hands and first time hugging, it all give it to a bastard! I am deadly serious!

In school, he sees me and act as if nothing happen. I could not so I avoided talking to him. Whenever I talk about him, I still hate him so much! He is such a freak! Speaking of him makes me feel like puking!

Ok, that is my secondary school life. After o level, I had a school programme to attend at Singapore Poly for 2 weeks. During those 2 weeks, I got into a relationship reluctantly. I do not know if it is called a relationship because it only lasted for 2 weeks or so. I got into relationship with Guy C. He was still wooing me when I reach Secondary 4. Yes, it is devoted of him.

During those 2 weeks at SP, I was being pushed to Guy C always. I had no choice but I had to pull someone along together just to RUN away from Guy C. I do not like Guy C being super glue. I hate super glue. One night, Guy C called me and talks to me for about 3 hours to 5 hours. I was tired for the following day; I had to wake up very early just to attend the SP programme.

So in the end, I doze off while talking to him. And unknowingly, I said yes to him when I was dozed off. I got into a relationship which I did not wanted. I thought I am in a relationship; I had to do something to make it happen. However, as time start ticking again, I got to know more and more things.

When I was with Guy C, Guy D (my good friend cum god-grandson cum good pal) and I were close. We gossip a lot. He is like my girl friends. We chat a lot and yes, we were close. Seriously, is it wrong to have a good GUY FRIEND? I was repeatedly being scolded and reprimanded for not being sensitive.

Why some people like the one I hated so much (which is a girl) can have a VERY close guy friend and ignore her boyfriend feelings too? With what idiotic right does she have to reprimand me and interfere my love life relationship when hers sucks so much?! she herself gets so close to a guy whereby he accompanies her home EVERYDAY and goes around wherever she goes, just like a little doggy.

As for me, all I did was to pull someone to block me from the relationship. Seriously, what is wrong?

Never mind about that. As time get nearer and nearer to the day Guy C and I broke off, I got to know that he was lying to me again. I was hurt. He lies to me over another girl (Girl B) and yes, he still tried to hide when the other party already confessed that is he who asks her to hide from me. I question Guy C again and again. Again and again, he decided to hide from me. I decided to let it off.

When I was going home, my friend, who is also his close friend, told me something. He said that actually before Guy C asked me to be his girlfriend; he was considering who to choose. He was thinking to choose Girl B or me. He had more feelings for Girl B. However, due to the fact that Girl B was in relationship at that point of time, he decided to choose me. Ya right!

When he was with me, every time before meeting me, he will meet Girl B. And after meeting me, regardless how late it was, he will go and meet Girl B and talk to her. Whenever we go on dinner date together, he will ask Girl B to join in. He ask me to get into a relationship for what when the person he like is Girl B? he wants to follow fashion is it? (at that point of time, getting into a relationship is something great!) What is he taking me as? Spare tire?

He himself is treating me as spare tire, what right does he have to ask me to be sensitive to his feelings? Why does he want to PSYCHO other people to believe that it was because of me and Guy D, we broke off? Seriously, I thought of putting in effort into the relationship before I get to know about the matter. When I know the matter of being spare tire, I feel that he is another bastard!

Two relationships, Two times being cheated! What am I seriously? Why do I get cheated always? Everyone who sees it, thinks is my fault. Yes, most people are thinking that I am fighting for myself now. However, my first relationship with Guy B, is it my fault who want to keep it low profile? Is it my fault to break off and patch up? As for my second relationship, is it my fault for not being sensitive? Is it my fault for having a GOOD CLOSE GUY FRIEND?

Then, at that point of time Guy D made me feel glad and happy. I felt very comfortable with him. When he asked me to be his girlfriend, I agreed to it. However, Guy B, C, D were good friends. Due to that, their relationship got very tense. I know that they are good pals and it is wrong of me to go into a relationship with them. Am I wrong to fall in love? He treated me way better than the rest. So what is wrong?

Yes, there were good times together. However, we were busy with work and did not have much time. That was the start of the relationship. Initially, we met up everyday as friends. And the moment we got together, we stop meeting after work, we stop contacting as much. It was his first relationship my so called third relationship. Does the change from friend to boy girl friend change the situation? Stop contacting and stop meeting up as much as when we were friends.

Some of you will say that because it is your first love, you do not have experience and thus, you can do such mistake. You are not as sensitive as before. However, that is not a reason that is an excuse. We are supposed to learn as time goes by however, now we are saying that we needed a practical lesson. The mentality of which we are learning to love rather than learning and loving at the same time? Is that why all first love fails?

Well, if first love always fail, why get into relationship? It is just purely an excuse for it and not a reason. We can learn as we get by. Well the best thing is that why the person can always give comment about other people relationship and yet, that person fined a very stupid excuse for neglecting his/her first relationship? As a viewer, we have many comments. As the person involve, you find excuse for yourself. Regardless what, we know that as a relationship, time is very important.

People take each other for granted. Regardless it is the first time relationship or the many times relationship. Before getting together, that person is your goal. And once you got that person, where did all the promises and your goal goes? The promises are broken because you thought that person does not mind. However, did they consider that the person mind too? What used to be your goal now became something left aside? Seriously, human being should reflect on themselves.

Enough of lecture. after a couple of months of relationship, we start to meet a lot more problem and a lot more questions to be answered. From the outside, we look very normal, like a loving couple. However, every night, we will start quarreling. Yes, we had many DEEP talks. However, whenever I try to have a DEEP and SERIOUS talk, Guy D will hide from the talk.

Time flies and soon, his mother got to know about us. She dislikes me so much that she always finds trouble for us. I thought that we will go through it. However, she even threatens to stop supporting Guy D for studies if he continues to be with me. She dislikes me so much that she always tries to stop Guy Dand my relationship. Gradually, everyday, at about 6.30pm, his phone will start ringing and his mother will complain how LATE it was and he need to get home.

He end school practically at 5pm everyday and he start lesson at about 8am everyday. His mother will call at 6.30pm everyday and proclaim that it is very late. So usually, he will just accompany me to Toa Payoh interchange and go home. I already do not know what it is like to be sent home.

We cannot talk long over the phone, even 5 minutes of talking with him; he will get scolding from his mother. Seriously, what is this? I mean what is wrong with couple talking? When we message, his message over so much, his mother threatens to cancel his line IF it continues to over the limit. So, lesser message and lesser calls. So much for being a couple.

Then, as time goes by, he had to go home and take care of his brother. Every time, when we go out, he gets a call, we had to cancel everything and go home to take care of his brother. His mother is also one of the kinds. His mother wants him to teach his brother to do work, however, his brother do not listen to him and his brother cannot be scolded or beaten for he is ill.

I always tell him to tell his mother about it and he will always to hide from it. What is with guys and their mother? He rather keeps quiet and thus, we get into more problems. His mother things that I am the root of the problem. She even psycho Guy D to ditch me. Maybe his mother is being protective, however, that is far too protective!

There are so many problem and we had no choice but to face it. Seriously, I am getting so sick of it. An 18 year old kid who is a mummy boy and listens to her. We do not go out either because his mother will make noise for going out. So we do not talk much, seldom message much, cancel millions of date, seldom call and many other things. So I got very sick and tired of being together and having to quarrel practically everyday.

We went overseas trip with school for one of the month. We went Vietnam for 2 weeks and we quarreled quite a lot. I am someone who follow rules and timid to do many things. There is another couple within my group. The two of them were very sticky. They will stick together. Every night, either the guy will accompany the girl or the girl will accompany the guy. They will hug and sleep together. (Please do not think dirty! I mean SLEEPING!)

I am scared to get caught so I always reject that offer. Guy D is rather petty. I shall not elaborate why. Then, in Vietnam, we quarreled quite a lot and yes, usually it is me who ask to let it off. I am a girl; I wish to be pampered by my guy. I wish to be cuddle and all. However, he will never do that because he says he does not know how. He does not even try to do it. So end up, quarrels got worst.

Then, after exam, it was my birthday. I had so many events for my birthday. I wanted to spend a good birthday with him too. However, his mother does not allow him to go out too much. So he just came and celebrates with me and my family and that is it. He did not prepare any presents for me. (Ok, I am not being petty) He did not have money to buy me a gift so all we did was to catch a movie.

For some reason, he is always in cash tight situation. He always does not have money for dating. So end up, I will be the one paying. I got poorer and poorer. I had to work during holiday to get back my amount! I seriously worked so hard just for earning enough to for us to date. I told him to ask money from his mother, he does not want. So I had to be the breadwinner in our relationship.

Then, it was holiday again. I am working. He said he wanted to work too. However, his mother feels that a shoes promoter is a very low cast job. Seriously, if not for shoes promoter, who will help pack all the shoes in place and serve her shoes? Who is the one who made it look nice and shop-able to them? She is being discriminating. I think that shoes promoter is a kind of job which we should look up too. They are mainly girls and had to do the hard labour of carrying and moving the shoes, they had to promote their shoes too.

Ok! Then, he said he want to look for job so I kept a look out for him. I found many jobs for him and he is so reluctant to work. I had to do all the necessary things for him. He is not being enthusiastic about working part time. Then, I started working and he started working. That is when everything starts to turn.

His work usually ends at 3pm and mine ends at 4pm. So it should be him waiting for my work to end. However, every time his work ends, he will say that he doubt I will want to meet. Seriously, I rather ignore such message. And during the period we were working, he did not even come and visit me for once. He always had to work and stay home to take care of his brother and all. At that point of time, I feel and act single. I do not have a relationship, seriously I do not look like I have one either.

Soon, I decided to break off with him. Yes, this was for sure. We broke off and he agreed without much hesitation. We handle the situation well. I asked for break up because I was very sick and tired of the situation and very tired of everything. I feel single and do not see much difference whether I have a boyfriend or not. Seriously, I was tired of his mother having to interfere his life too. I thought he is old enough to do his own decision.

Then, after we broke off, I know that he was sad. I had a very tight schedule too. Thanks my friends for being there and comforting me. Well, if not for them, I think I will have broken down. My tight schedule had help me put down the relationship. Seriously, who says that making yourself busy is a way of running away? It works quite well for me.

Some of you will say that I let it go VERY fast and quick. I am tired of everything. I know Guy D is still very depressing from the relationship. However, I am fine because my friends helped me through. Guy D keeps making himself depress and clinging onto the relationship, nothing will come out. It had been 4 months after we broke off and I thought that everything will become fine.

Guy D is very sad, I know that. However, what can I do? I already do not have feelings for him. I am deadly serious. I know I am bad however, why must I cheat myself? My friends help me through and I stop thinking about Guy Dand me. Say that I am bad or whatever, up to you, however, all I want to clarify is that I feel bad for ditching him and feeling guilty and love is two different things.

Start scolding and swearing me for all you like! Seriously I do not give a damn about it! I know what I am doing and where I am heading. For at least, I know my relationship ended not because we are insensitive nor either of us cheated each other. Unlike some people, they had their relationship ended because they gave very stupid excuse saying that they were not experience or they cheated on each other.

Now, I am happily living my life. Yes, some people think that I am attached and some are not. Seriously, I am not going to tell and let their imagination runs!

Regardless I am in a relationship now or I am not, it is not up to any irrelevant people to care. If I want to let you know, when you ask me, I will tell you the whole story. If I feel that particular idiot is a total idiot and there is not a need to explain or tell a story to them, I will totally not give a damn about them.

Continue to think and imagine. I know the story totally! Whether is it up to you to know, I will determine it. If I find that person a total irritating freako, I will totally ignore that person. Go around and spread about my new love or what so ever, seriously only irritating bitch/bastard will do that. Yes! Only they will. Noisy bunch of freako. They should seriously get lost and go away! If to them, my love life relationship sucks, then go ahead and think so. If they think I am a bloody flirt, go ahead and think so too. I have my side of story to tell and they have their side to tell.

And stop comparing my love life with other BEAUTIFUL and EXCUSABLE love life of other people. (Beautiful and excusable to them when is totally not) I know my love life sucks and I act like playing with other people feelings, however, you think yours was great? You find excuses for yourself and then saying that your bestie (which is opposite gender) love life was great when you totally do not know the story. So please get facts right and get lost. Please!

Ok, enough of it! Enough of rattling. Sorry for the rude words. Pardon me please. I was rather pissed off over this. Ok, you do not know what it is over. Just a couple of them know. As I said, if I want to let you know I will tell you. So yes, read it, get over and done with. That is the end of my love life relationship.

That is all that I want to say. I want to say that I love my life now, regardless I am attached or single and I love what it is like now.