My Life, My Blog

Yesterday was a torture. Ah! What a bad day for me. Lucky, yesterday was gone. Yesterday night, something quite emo happened. Once again, history repeated =x Ah~ When is history going to stop? I need to kill history. Haha!

Yesterday night, I was talking to someone. We chatted and planned and in the end, I cried so much. Ah~ I told someone that may be we should just do it. Ok, I so don't want to do it but that is someone's decision. I shall respect it.

So what I do not want to do it but still, I am good at respecting other people's decision. I think that is the minimum I can do. Since there seems to be no other way out, ok then, I shall accept it and face it. One day, the tears will go dry too.

My sleep was quitevery disturbed by dreams! I made about 6 dreams and 5 of them are all on someone. How disturbing! I woke up 6 times due to dreaming and suddenly wake up to face the reality. All the 6 dreams were nice. However, some things isn't that nice in reality. Face the fact.

For some reason, I called that someone in the morning and wanted to say something so much. In the end, that someone did not hear what I said. Should I say I am lucky or not? Then someone said that she will call me back. Once again, if it is not because I called, I guess someone won't initiate to call.

I tried convincing myself that some things are just over, no point thinking about it. I also tried to convince myself that since I already made that promise yesterday, I should keep with it and not called. Some point in time, I find myself useless.

In the end, I doze off and wake up, doze off and wake up again and again. Finally at 10 plus am, someone called me. In the end, there is a chance in plan. This change is something I wanted but I know, it will never be the same anymore.

Once again, I prompted someone. If not because I prompted, would someone say? Why is it that someone always tell me "I actually wanted"? If someone actually wanted, then why didn't someone do it? Why is it that the other party must initiate it then someone would come telling that person "actually I wanted to.."?

After the call was put down, my phone went dead. It went dead all the way. I did not want to touch anymore. I was waiting for it to come alive. However, waiting for it is like waiting for a rain in a drought, useless and disappointing.

I really start to wonder, is this change good? Or is it not? I had been waiting for this change but what is stopping things from happening? I really do not know anymore. All I know is that aching does not stop, tears do not dry up, tap is not tighten.

I wonder, is it because someone can't bare to execute the plan, or someone don't wish to do it? I wish it is the second one but when I asked, someone says that she can't seem execute it. Why must someone hurt the other party? Why must someone change her plan because she herself cannot do it? Isn't that selfish thoughts?

She used to tell me about how much she want to see herself with the other party in future. And yesterday, she told me about how her future will be "mine, his or ours". Suddenly I see her so uncertain about her relationship. I felt super uneasy for her. I suddenly feel the heart ache she is experiencing.

Maybe I am not someone, I do not know what she is thinking. I do not know what kind of feeling she has for the other party. I am so confused by what someone is doing.

Someone, what do you want? Is he still what you wanted? Or you just do not want yourself to get hurt?

once i was something. then i became everything. now i m nothing.