It is the first time I put something on the “what’s on your mind?” in facebook. And it states “tonight will be the last night…” Yes, the last night has gone already. Hope she found her way to where she is supposed to go.
.Wednesday, September 09, 2009]]__x
Ah ma passed away on this very special and memorable day at TTSH at 04:57 am. She left peacefully.
Early morning at around 10am, mummy and daddy came home with some food and clothes. They are coming home to change and proceed down to ah ma house to ‘welcome’ her back. I accompanied them down to ah ma house. Drew drew and angie did not come down with us, they are going down later.
I accompanied daddy and mummy down to ah ma house. Some of my aunts, uncles and cousins are already there waiting for my ah ma’s body. We spent about 1 and half hour waiting for the casket van to come. During that 1 and half hour, the workers are busy setting up the venue, my aunts and uncles making the necessary stuff such as the incense papers, name list for the obituaries and other small stuffs.
Finally, the casket van arrived. We were told not to cry. They say that if we cry, ah ma will feel very sad and don’t come. We kneel down at the straw mat while they carry ah ma’s body in. We had to shout for ah ma and ask her to come back to have coffee with us. Then, they carried the coffin in.
Soon, my aunts, uncles and my parents went to look at my ah ma. Then the younger generation (which is us, cousins) went to look at ah ma too. My uncle’s wife helped my ah ma comb her hair and make her look pretty. She had make up on her. My ah ma look pretty.
Then we kneel down while they put ah ma into the coffin and close the coffin. We are not allowed to look when the coffin is closed. It is because our ba zi might clashes with ah ma’s. So we did not look. After which, we sat there and did nothing.
Ding lun and I started studying. I was studying mathematics. After doing some of the tutorial, I realise I did not bring my calculator. So in the end, my answers are all in complete. LOL! In evening, we start folding incense paper. It is just the start. So we did it slowly and taking our time. “We talk about quality, not quantity.”
Then we had dinner. There is catering for the dinner. The food is nice. We had duck soup, vegetables, sweet and sour pork, spicy prawn and fish. Not bad right? The chef is daddy’s friend. So if it is not nice, we can feedback anytime. LOL!
After dinner, we start folding incense paper again. Then my sister had to go home and fetch the kids, so drew drew, angie and I went home together with them. I reach home at around 9pm. I have school the following day.
.Thursday, September 10, 2009]]__x
In the morning, I took train down to school. I am busy studying in the train. I am super tired! I need sleep~ I went for lab early today. We did some equipotential thingy. It is quite pathetic though. It is individual lab however, I did it with beatrice. It is because, I am register number 20 in the class and there is only 19 sets of machine. Shucks! This always happen during poly.
After lab, we went for lunch together. We bought mcdonald again. We ended quite late so we were rushing to finish our meals. After meal, we went for economics lesson. It is so boring. Wan jing and I were talking and talking non-stop. We were talking about some stuff.
Then we went for effective communication lesson. I always dislike this lesson. It is so stressful. Every week before lesson, I need to memorise so many things in case she ask question. Then ‘fight’ for participation points. It is so torturing.
We did some group work and yes, group work. After effective communication lesson, I waited for daniel and samson to photocopy my tutorial. Then I left the school with charmaine. I found another toa payoh kaki again! Haha!
From toa payoh, I headed down to ah ma house. Before going to toa payoh, I went to get some food. I am super hungry. Need to fill a little before my tummy starts making tons of noise in the bus. I waited for quite long before the come. The bus is always so long.
When I reach ah ma house, most of them already started eating their dinner. Hmm, by the time I reach, it is already 6 plus going 7pm. Hungry hungry! Today’s dinner is eh! I only remember lotus soup. I can’t remember the rest. My aunt made nor-hiang.
After dinner, at 7.30, we start chanting session. It lasted for about 1 and half hour. We were given a book and they will chant according to the book. There is even han yu pin ying for the chinese words. After chanting session, we went to fold incense paper again. Then we left and headed home. By the time we reach home, it is already 10pm.
.Friday, September 11, 2009]]__x
In the morning, I am damn tired. I woke up quite late. I went to school alone again. I wanted to study on the train so yes, I went alone. I took out my notes, fool scape paper, pencil, eraser, file, tutorial paper while on the train. OMG right? I think other passengers must be thinking “why this person treat the train like her study table?”
On my way to school, it start raining heavily. I don’t know why, I actually start to cry. As the rain gets bigger, more tears start rolling down unknowingly. When the sun is out, I don’t know why but stop crying. Seriously, ever since the wake start, I have been trying my best to control my emotions. I really think that my emotions go with the weather.
I went to school for lecture. During lecture, I am busy studying for maths quiz. Then during maths tutorial, we had maths quiz. Stupid, I forgotten how to do. Idiot! Damn! After lesson, we had economics tutorial. Another round of I-don’t-know lesson. Er xin!
After lesson, I went to meet up with gidman. We were supposed to go canteen a for lunch. In the end, georgina and wanjing are still at their hall. And the thing is that, they say they are not hungry, so we will just eat. In the end, we went to canteen 14 again for lunch. We met up with siying for lunch too.
Then we went for maths lecture. Initially we wanted to pon maths lecture, in the end, we still went. I was listening in class. See, I am a good kid =) When the lesson ended, we went down to jurong point to make reservation for the dinner on tuesday. Wanjing said that she wanted to go for dinner.
I did not join them for dinner though. Something quite awkward happened.
Gidman: Anne, where is your grandma house?Hmm! Oh well! I went back with georgina. She took train down to sambawang while I continue the ride to toa payoh. I took bus down to ah ma house again. When I reach there, I start folding incense paper. Dua kim was saying that we don’t have enough time to finish folding all the incense paper. So we started “mass folding”.
Anne: Hmm, near boon keng (I always think it is near boon keng since kenneth always say his house near boon keng)
Gidman: Oh! Then we can take circle line together.
Anne: But I going toa payoh and take bus down to my grandma house.
Gidman: Why? Take train together la!
Anne: I don’t know how to go there from boon keng. From last time is go down from toa payoh one.
Gidman: Aiya! Call your grandma and ask her how to go la!
Anne: ehh!!!
At night, I got pulled into doing the chanting again. We had the book to follow them through again. The chanting started at around 8.45pm. It lasted for another 1 hour plus. The book is 67 pages ok! Not everyone is involved. By right, the grand daughters don’t need to go. We are supposed to serve the guest. In the end, kah yern and I were ‘asked’ to go over.
During this chanting, there are many kneeling. For many parts, we were to kneel for about 15 minutes. After chanting session, jo and py came. I thank them so much for coming. As it is very late, cailin did not come. However, I thank them for the intention. =)
Tonight, I stayed over with my group of cousins, ding lun, benjamine, kenneth, drew drew. We were busy folding incense paper. From 11 plus pm, we started folding incense paper. We folded non-stop! I really mean non-stop! We were so tired! However, we continued to fold. In the end, it became “quantity and not quality!”
While folding, we were chatting and laughing. It is fun doing that with my cousins, I mean the chatting and laughing. There are quite many of us tonight. Besides our group, the other cousins (ah leong, ah yun, ah wye, terence) are all busy gambling. Shucks! They are not helping at all. They left at around 4am.
During the night, we made tea to drink, ate fried bee hoon and spam music.
.Saturday, September 12, 2009]]__x
We were supposed to change shift at 6am. In the end, they came at about 8am. We were tired! We folded incense paper from 11pm all the way to 8am. Aren’t we so great?! We left with about 1/4 of what we are given. Tired!!
Ding lun sent us home. We are all tired! Drew drew and I went to bathe and doze off. We slept from around 9am all the way to 4pm. Yawn! When we wake up, we had kfc for supposed-to-be-lunch. Full!! Then angie came home and around 7pm, we headed down to ah ma place. We are having chanting again.
This is the last chanting before the funeral. The thing is, we have 2 breaks interval. Isn’t that cool? After the first set of chanting, we had 20 minutes break. We started folding incense paper. After which, we had second round of chanting and had another 20 minutes break. After the last round, we went to burn the house and incense paper.
According to my aunt, at buddhist funeral we don’t burn incense paper. However, my aunts and uncles scared that my ah ma has no house to stay, so we decided to burn a house and money for her. Ok, now I understand why there is incense paper when we are doing a buddhist funeral.
After everything,we sat there and had curry chicken for supper. Daddy’s group of friends came and gave ah ma a bow. It is very spectacular. I really meant it. Imagine when all of them went over to the front, it is like, those movie secret society kind, one very big group. Then someone stood in front as ‘representative’ and the rest bow to ah ma. The group is super big! I think got about 50 people? Or even more! OMG! They came by bus ok! We all were shocked when we saw it.
When we finish eating curry, we start taking care of all the necessary things. We start clearing the place up. We had to move the tables, chairs and remove the plastic sheets. After clearing, we had to clean the table, pack everything. We were told to decorate ah ma’s coffin.
Alice, anna and I made a bouquet of flower for ah ma. We went around picking flowers from the flowers the florist sent to us. I went to put it at ah ma’s coffin. Then we went to take a look at ah ma for the last night, for the last time. We will all miss her.
At around 1.30am, we left the place. I was supposed to go back with drew drew to stay over the night again with my cousins. In the end, mummy asked me to stay home and let the guys stay. So I stayed home and sleep.
.Sunday, September 13, 2009]]__x
Today is the last day and the last time I see ah ma.
In the morning, we went down at around 8.30am. We had curry for breakfast. After breakfast, I was helping the aunts doing all the necessary things. I think they are all so kan chiong. Chiong-ing for the last minute.
Once again, we were told that we cannot cry. I asked them and they tell me that it is because if we cry, ah ma don’t bare to leave us. If that happens, her spirit will not leave. So for her, we cannot cry!
I went to look at ah ma for the last time. I “finally” lost control and went away. I went to where my cousins are. The band start playing “shi shang zhi you ma ma hao” and tears just start rolling. I need to do some emotions control.
Ah bee kept telling me jokes to prevent me from crying. We wore the socks and chanting start again. We walk around ah ma coffin again. During the first round, I saw my aunts using their hands to rub their eyes. Then I feel like crying so much but I know I can’t. We walk around for about 4 rounds. Imagine I had to ren ren ren! Starting, my nose is red. Then my whole face is super red!
After the ceremony, I saw juan juan crying. I almost burst into tears. I know I can’t because, it may cause others to start crying too. You know, when one cry, it is like a ‘virus’, it will spread. So my cousins are distracting me again =)
We had to return bow to our relative’s relatives. Ok, I almost cry again. Damn! After which, we had to ‘send’ ah ma off. Every thing is not that sad after which. We cousins just walk far back. We walk about 1 bus stop length and before the hump, we stop and boarded the bus.
Before the hump, my uncles are supposed to call ah ma to cross “the bridge”. This is to tell my ah ma to walk the bridge to ‘ji le shi jie’, aka heaven. This is also to tell my ah ma that she has pass away and it is time for her to go. We had to send her off “happily” so she will leave without worries.
We took bus down to guan ming shang. Then we had the last round of chanting and praying. Soon, the coffin was sent to the incinerator. The whole thing is very turn off. It is like, chanting, walk around the table, put the incense stick, kneel down, stand up, incinerator door open, the coffin went in, door close, wear shoes and leave -.- It is really turn off. I always thought cremation is some very sad process.
After which, we went for vegetarian lunch. While having lunch, we start discussing what is going to happen next. We said that we have to go back to ah ma’s house. My 2 aunts are staying over at that house now. However, we realise it is hard for us to change. Instead of 7th aunt house or 5th aunt house, we kept calling ah ma house. It is very odd. Then we took bus down to a temple near ah ma’s house.
Ah ma’s children and her son’s son went to the temple while the rest of us went back to the void deck and wait. At 2 plus pm, we came home while ah ma’s children went to pick the bone fragments.
When we came home, we doze off and went to sleep. I am super tired! I have yet to done my tutorials though.
.Reflections.
During this period, I realise that my uncles and aunts are all old already. During the first day, my uncle actually suffered from cramps. During the chanting period, some of my aunts and uncles can’t kneel and stand on their own without support from the floor or wall. We have to help them up.
My ah ma’s departure is really sudden. I think the hospitalization is sudden. She is still healthy. All of a sudden, she got pneumonia and got hospitalise for 1 month and 3 days. The next thing we know is, she pass away unknowingly. I believe many of us did not expect it. I mean, we know that every day is a blessing for her during the days in hospital. However, we did not expect her to pass away so fast. We thought she will live longer.
She has given me a very big family with many close cousins. She has given me a very sweet and memorable childhood life with my aunts, uncles and cousins. She has given me many unspoken memories. If not for her, there won’t be poo poo club, there won’t be kway company. Without her, I don’t think I will be aunty of 5 kids at this age. It is all because of her, I am dote and well taken care when I am young.
I think ah ma has changed, in the sense of looks. She don’t look like the ah ma before the hospital visit. It is saddening to see her. It reminds me of the pain she has gone through. It is like torture. All the needles and medication. Even her mouth got bigger and expended. You can hardly see her nose as she has become so puffy.
However, according to my aunts and uncles, my ah ma made the decision of leaving instead of making her children make the tough decision. My ah ma knows that we are feeling hard so she decided to depart on her own will. I really think ah ma is very understanding. She knows that we find it hard to see her being tortured and decided to leave when we are deciding to end her torturing. During the period of time where we are fighting to keep her alive, she is fighting every second.
I think, ah ma’s departure actually brought us cousins together. After 10+ years, it is the first time we see ah boy again. If not for ah ma’s departure, we cousins will not gather together and laugh, joke and gossip. It is only during ah ma’s birthday, we will get together. And this time, during ah ma’s departure, we all get together again. I wonder when will be the next time we all come together and meet up. I wonder will we all attend should there be a gathering?
Seriously, after this whole thing, I realise that there are many things which cannot be explained. Many things are done because of belief. And many are not scientifically proven yet, it is practiced. I’ve learnt a lot about customs from here. All the “why” factors.
.Word of Thanks.
I thanks all my friends for being supportive and telling me encouraging words. I am really ok, don’t worry so much. I will be strong. And I want to thank those who came down. I know that you made and effort in coming. Thank so much.
And I really think those caretakers are great! They took care of my ah ma’s wake cum funeral very well. Really thankful to them. I know they are paid to do it but still, I really think without their help, I think all my aunts and uncles will be so lost. They had helped us in many ways. And of course, they helped in reducing the burden we have. Thankful!
Of course, I think the casket company did a wonderful job in making my ah ma look beautiful. At least, she looks wound-less. They also decorated ah ma’s coffin beautifully. They put our bouquet of flower together with ah ma coffin. I hope ah ma received it. I hope ah ma like it too.
I want to thank God that ah ma is blessed. And ah ma can finally be with ah gong now. She is finally enjoying her life after 1 month and 3 days of torturing. She need not worry about the kids anymore. Best of all, I want to thank God for giving ah ma many filial children and grandchildren. God has also given ah ma a chance of 4 generations together. Thank you!
Ah ma will always be remembered. We love you. You have missed ah gong for 14 years, it is time you enjoy your life with ah gong.